I was awakened this morning by the phone ringing, which I answered before I had fully opened my eyes. There was a woman's voice on the other end, asking me was this Flaming Banjo and did I live at 123 blah blah blah and was I the sole proprietor of blah blah and after I'd answered one or two of her questions I started to reach consciousness and realize that I was being grilled by a telemarketer.
"Who is this?" I asked.
"This is InfoDenizen. We gather information for more effective marketing and datacentrickettlemulchination for credit and business..."
"What do you do with this information, exactly?"
"At InfoVasion we compile information for more accurate classification of existing business entities to facilitate a wider range of marketing opportunities within the..."
"So you're selling this information to telemarketers?"
"At DemographicCon we are seeking to compile more accurate information to distribute to credit companies and marketing enterprises with the goal of..."
"So you're asking me to tell you my income, sexual preferences and hat size so you can sell this information to people who will use it to further harass me?"
"Would you classify yourself as left, right or ambidextrous?"
"Goodbye."
And I thought the automated voice telling you to hold for an important message was the apex of telemarketing brazenness, but I guess I was wrong. This, for now at least, takes the cake.
Posted by flamingbanjo at December 17, 2004 02:03 PMNext time one of these leeching parasites calls you, just tell them you'd be more than happy to give them the information, provided they agree to sign the Personal Information Licensing Agreement you will fax or email to them, which also BTW requires them to pay you a fee of $10,000 for authroized use of said Personal Information.
That ought to shut them up right quick.
Posted by: KING COMTE I at December 18, 2004 08:57 AMThe price might be a little high, Comte, but I think you're on to something here:
Them: "We gather information for more effective markety-blah-blah-blah..."
You: "What's it worth to ya?"
Them: "What??"
You: "You're gonna sell this stuff, right? So what's it worth? C'mon. Make me an offer. How much does a list of 10,000 targeted names go for these days? I want my share, that's all."
Seems fair to me.
Posted by: The Green Man at December 19, 2004 10:40 AM...or you could turn it into a game: see how long you can keep them on the phone, not answer any of their questions, and get them to answer yours.
Posted by: raej at December 20, 2004 09:34 AMOooh, and then at the end tell the person you are, "seeking to compile more accurate information to distribute to credit companies and marketing enterprises with the goal of informing them of the effectiveness of the techniques used by information gathering entities with which they partner."
Then, they'll think you're a telemarket monitering service!
Posted by: KING COMTE I at December 20, 2004 12:41 PMThese are all good ideas but the fact remains that I am rarely that clever before my first cup of coffee.
Posted by: flamingbanjo at December 20, 2004 01:46 PMUse this to your advantage. Keep them on as long as possible by being really damn stupid. This works really well for me.
Her: Is this Flaming Banjo?
FB: No. I'm Flaming Banjo.
Her: So, this is Flaming Banjo?
FB: Why do you get to be Flaming Banjo? That's me!!!
Her: Do you live at 123-
FB: Let me check!!!
(pause)
FB: I can't see my house from here.
Her: Where are you?
(pause)
FB: In my house.
Her: And where is your house?
FB: I don't know! Stop yelling at me!!!
Her: I'm not-
FB: I'm Flaming Banjo!!!
It'll be awesome!!!
Posted by: sgnp at December 21, 2004 12:14 PMFrom now on SGNP will be taking all my calls. Those of you actually wanting to speak to me will have to do it through blog comments.
This is gonna be great!
Posted by: flamingbanjo at December 21, 2004 01:52 PMSo, what do you do for a living? Would you classify your annual income in one of these brackets? What is your favorite flavor of cheese? If you would like us to send you marketing materials from 5,000 or more penis enhancement companies, be sure to uncheck the box that opts out!
Posted by: InterviewMaster at December 23, 2004 01:37 PMWaitasecond. Does "enhance" mean "make bigger?" Or does it mean something else?
Posted by: flamingbanjo at December 23, 2004 01:58 PM