Ever read a news story that, at first glance, seems to contradict everything you believe to be true, but then when you read on further actually just confirms it? I had one of those experiences yesterday when I came across this headline: "Raccoon saves student's life."
It just seemed so out-of-character to me. I was picturing a raccoon bravely rushing into a burning building and dragging out the unconscious body of a six-year-old girl. Or finding some poor traveller trapped in their minivan rolled over in a ditch, and keeping them awake until help arrived so that they wouldn't pass out and die from their head trauma.
But no. Reading further down, I found out that this raccoon was practicing a different type of heroism altogether:
20-year-old Cornell student Lisa Nelson was walking down the rain-slickened Cascadilla Gorge trail that runs between Ithaca's Collegetown neighborhood and the Cornell campus when she slipped and fell. Despite plummeting 75 feet into a rocky gorge, she sustained only minor injuries because her landing was softened by landing on top of a "soft, plump raccoon."
I am quoting from the original UPI story now:
Police say that they believe the raccoon saved the co-ed's life.
Police Capt. David Barnes said rescue workers found the student and the hapless raccoon laying side by side at the bottom of the gorge.
"She was on the bottom and there was an injured raccoon next to her," he said."
So this is the kind of heroism we're talking about. The raccoon broke her fall. The story ends by stating that the raccoon was recovering at a local animal shelter, but a follow-up indicates that, after appearing to make a promising recovery, his condition worsened and he died after six months from "complications." Which is a common problem suffered by those who have had a coed dropped onto them from a height of 75 feet.
Far from invalidating my deeply-held beliefs about these matters, this story merely serves to confirm what I already know:
1. Getting landed on does not constitute extraordinary bravery, unless it's intentional. If you are minding your own business and you accidentally save someone's life, don't expect a Congressional Medal of Honor.
2. Raccoons are not our friends. Oh sure, they may look cute with their little burglar masks and their little hands. Don't be fooled. They are clearly humanity's rivals and they know this. Those cute little hands can grasp objects, open latches, lids and locks and I'm pretty sure that, given the opportunity, they can work a stick shift. Which means that the only thing stopping them from joyriding in stolen cars is the fact that their little feet can't quite reach the pedals.
What was that raccoon doing in that ravine anyway? I mean, before the girl landed on him? I'll tell you what he was doing. He was doing what all raccoons are doing all the time. He was plotting the overthrow of human civilization.
No raccoon has ever received a Congressional Medal of Honor.
1. who on earth still uses the term "co-ed"?
2. correction: no raccoon has YET receieved a congressional medal of honor.
3. blanket saves hunk from freezing! shoes save nubile woman's feet from glass! etc! every day is filled with these selfless acts of heroism; you just need to know where to find them, and how to look at them.
I wondered the same thing about "co-ed." The story apparently dates from the early nineties, not the late sixties as the use of this term would suggest.
A Galt nephew had a "tree saves student's life" episode a while back.
Posted by: flamingbanjo at February 10, 2005 11:18 AM