A combination of genetics and hormonal influences in the womb determine whether or not a person is Tom Cruise, researchers say. Studies compiled in the newly-published book Born Cruise: The Psychobiology of Being Tom Cruise, combine recent findings from the fields of psychology, neuroscience, genetics, endocrinology and evolutionary biology to support the authors’ contention that being Tom Cruise is an inherited condition, and is not the result of environmental factors as was previously believed.
“Upbringing, childhood experience and personal choice have little or no influence on whether or not someone is Tom Cruise.” Says study co-author Rahzi Qaman.
For decades many psychiatrists have contended that being Tom Cruise was the result of early childhood relationships. This view, says Qaman, is not supported by facts.
“There is simply no evidence that people could “learn” to be Tom Cruise. For example, children of Tom Cruise are no more likely to be Tom Cruise than their peers.”
Conservative Christian groups today lashed out at the book's findings. “The bogus “research” presented in this book is yet another thinly-veiled attempt by the liberal media to advance the Tom Cruise agenda.” Said Traditional Values Coalition chairman Rev. Louis P. Sheldon in a televised press conference held early Tuesday in Atlanta.
“So-called “scientists” are trying to shift the blame for the destructive Tom Cruise lifestyle onto their so-called “genes” and so-called “science.” I have just one message for any naive individuals who might be taken in by this attempt to legitimize behavior that the church rightly regards as an abomination: God isn’t fooled by this, and you shouldn't be either.”
In a written statement to the press, Cruise himself weighed in on the controversial new findings through the office of his publicist earlier today. The tightly-worded one-page statement hewed close to the Scientology party line, stating that there is in fact no such thing as brain chemistry.
"The idea that the "brain" contains "chemicals" that influence one's state of mind is just another ludicrous fiction foisted on the unsuspecting public by the international psychiatric conspiracy. As long as spurious claims like these continue to be slavishly repeated by a sensationalist and credulous press, millions will remain imprisoned in their bleak little lives, unable to audit out their Body-Thetans and reach their full potential as Operating Thetans.”
Posted by flamingbanjo at June 21, 2005 04:03 PMthis seems to be good news - it's a load off my mind anyway. i've always been told that being Tom Cruise was caused by the exchange of bodily fluids. now i can stop getting that Tom Cruise screening every month, and we can get back to the way things were.
Posted by: Jubilation! at June 21, 2005 06:25 PM(Seattle - OP) In response to a recent book citing numerous scientific studies which confirm that "being Tom Cruise is a heredetary condition", Traditional Values Coalition chairman Rev. Louis P. Sheldon announced today the organization of a national conference entitled, "Cruise-In For Love", which would be dedicated to the proposition that being Tom Cruise is a treatable and curable condition.
"There are a few good men, Godly individuals who are losin' it in their desperate attempts to be Tom Cruise," stated Sheldon. "They walk around like young guns with their eyes wide shut, thinking they've got all the right moves, when in reality they've become literal outsiders, deluded by the liberal media into the mistaken belief that being Tom Cruise is something they were born with." Added the Reverend, "'Cruise-In For Love' will show them that far and away an overwhelming number of 'Cruiseophiles' engaging in such risky business can undo the collatoral damage, they can change their behavior through prayer and submission to the endless love of our Lord and Savior, despite the malicious lies of this minority report. The days of thunder, when those being Tom Cruise will be judged are upon us; it's gonna rain, man!"
While there are no estimates on the number of Americans who are currently being Tom Cruise, a recent survey conducted by the firm Maguire & Legend noted that "34 percent of respondents indicated they had considered being Tom Cruise, while another 11 percent had engaged in Tom Cruise-like behaviors".
Tom Cruise, reached on the set of his latest film, "Deathrace 3000" refused to comment for this article.
Posted by: KING COMTE I at June 23, 2005 05:01 PMyou're a jerk. jerk! jerky jerk jerk.
Posted by: anne at June 23, 2005 09:49 PMYeah, I get a lot of that.
Posted by: flamingbanjo at June 23, 2005 11:13 PMOh. For a second there, I thought she might have meant me...
Posted by: KING COMTE I at June 24, 2005 03:12 PM