November 28, 2005
Henchmen needed
As any fan of Batman or Scooby Doo can tell you, abandoned theme parks make ideal locations for Supervillain Hideouts. There amongst the decaying remains of old roller coasters, tilt-a-whirls and decrepit funhouses, a villain can find time to plot his crimes and cackle madly to himself while contemplating his inevitable takeover of the local criminal underworld.
It is possible, however, that the area where you live is lacking in this vital resource. If you are looking around for some suitable locales, consider these two options:
1. Dogpatch, USA. This was once a marginally successful hillbilly-themed park based on the L'il Abner comic strip. It was opened in 1968, the year of the huge hillbilly craze (not to be confused with 1975, the year of the huge crazed hillbilly.) It is located in rural Arkansas far away from any urban center, so it should afford lots of the privacy necessary to bring your nefarious schemes to fruition. Some of the still-standing buildings would be perfect for housing a laboratory where you can work on your giant death ray device or begin cloning an army of mindless super-mutants who will help you take over the world. Also, free parking!
2. Heritage USA, a Christian-fundamentalist-themed park originally owned by Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker back in the eighties before all the unpleasantness forced them to sell. I know what you're asking yourself: A Christian-fundamentalist-based theme park? How could that go out of business? It sounds like so much fun.
But alas, go out of business is exactly what it did, in spite of being a huge tourist attraction during the eighties with attendance rivalling Disneyworld. Today the site is home to a golf course and a new housing development. However, remnants of the theme park still stand! And once the golfers and prospective home owners next door realize that the old theme park is haunted you'll have the place all to yourself! It's a perfect plan, providing no meddling kids or costumed crimefighters come around sticking their noses where they don't belong....
Posted by flamingbanjo at November 28, 2005 12:03 PMBut, what about - "God-Man: The Superhero with Omnipotent Powers!"? I'll be he still checks in once in a while...
Posted by: COMTE at November 30, 2005 01:10 PMYikes! Creepy.
Posted by: klo at December 1, 2005 10:34 AMi believe i now want an abandoned theme park almost as badly as i want a missile silo, which is only slightly more than i want a lighthouse or water tower. fantasy real estate: it's not for the realistic.
also: "scooby-doo". with a Y, as in "why my brain stores this and feels the need to pass it on is beyond me."
Posted by: anne at December 1, 2005 11:35 PMI couldn't help but notice, following the links, that this photo is of "the King's castle" -- with a capital K -- as in "the King of Kings". I also couldn't help but notice that it's empty these days.
Posted by: The Green Man at December 2, 2005 12:50 AMAnne: Duly noted and changed. See, you can make a difference!
Green Man: He's away on business. I keep getting this message:
"Hi! I'm unable to take your call right now, but if you leave your name, number, and the era in which you called, I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks, and have a great day!"
Posted by: flamingbanjo at December 2, 2005 10:54 AM