FlamingText

Free Pool Membership! Inquire Within

The old lifeguards, it must be said, were killjoys. They were forever blowing their whistles and hollering about "Pool Rules" this and "No Horseplay!" that. Pool rules? Look, just because a phrase rhymes doesn't make it special. And 'Horseplay?' What is that? It sure doesn't sound like anything you could do in a pool, this horseplay business. To top things off, every hour on the hour they'd yell "Okay, everybody out of the pool" and force everybody to get out of the water, even the people who didn't want to.

So after talking it over we took a vote and we decided to get ourselves some new lifeguards. It wasn't hard to fill the positions -- the new guys volunteered! They said they were eager to try out a better way of doing things.

It was immediately obvious that people preferred things the new way. First of all, the new lifeguards were much more low-key in their approach; Where the old lifeguards would sit outside the pool, all high-and-mighty on their elevated chairs looking down on everybody all day, the new guys got right down in the action, swimming around in the water with everybody else. You barely even noticed they were there --an occasional glimpse of a sleek, triangular fin cutting along the surface of the water, moving in the direction of a struggling swimmer was the only reminder of their comforting presence. And their methods worked superbly. Whereas in the old days, on the rare occasions where the lifeguards were actually called upon to do their jobs and rescue somebody, they'd blow their whistles and yell "Clear the pool!" and jump in and make a big production out of it. But now you never heard anybody thrashing around at all, at least not for more than a few seconds. The new guys weren't flashy, but they got results.

Things ran so well that people didn't really mind when the new lifeguards asked for a few small changes to help them do their jobs. The first was the chlorine. They said that all the chlorine in the water burned their eyes and made the water smell funny. So we took a vote and the de-chlorination initiative passed. No more red-eye from swimming! The pool had become a virtual paradise -- no more elitist bosses sitting in their high-chairs telling us what to do, no more mandatory "clear the pool!", no rules about "horseplay." It was just a big free-for-all! And yet you never saw a struggling swimmer at all anymore. It was like they all just disappeared. We started to wonder if the old guard hadn't just faked all those swimming accidents to make people think we needed them, like they made up all those "rules" just so they'd have an excuse to boss us around.

That's not to say the new guys never made any rules. They did come up with some suggestions to "streamline the process," as they say. So for instance, because they had never really enforced the mandatory swimming breaks like the old lifeguards did, they decided to formalize that policy. From now on, the policy read, nobody leaves the water at any time unless instructed to do so. Which is practically the same thing, if you think about it.

Also, they started a campaign to get people to pitch in for the greater good and clean out the pool. With the chlorine all gone the water didn't sting your eyes anymore, but there seemed to be a lot more stuff floating around in the water these days. Mostly wristwatches, goggles, bits of hair -- "inedible detritus" I think is the term they used. (I don't know, I'm not good with technical language!) But anyway this stuff was floating around on the surface or sinking to the bottom and clogging up the drains and it needed to be cleaned up, so everybody agreed to help out with that.

Plus, people started saying that the water had gotten several shades redder than it used to be. It looked, frankly, a little unhealthy and the lifeguards complained that it made it harder to find struggling swimmers -- I guess they meant because it's harder to see? So we held a meeting and agreed to look into the feasibility of hiring an outside contractor to bring in a filtration system to get the water back to its old bluish-green color.

But I can tell I'm boring you with all this ancient history. What I'm really here to talk to you about is our latest community initiative, and the one I'm most excited about: Our membership drive! In spite of the unprecedented popularity of our new approach to running a pool ("One Hundred Percent Satisfied Customers" is our motto and we stand by that), we have struggled with low retention rates. I'm one of the few original members left, in fact. And that's why for a limited time I've been authorized to offer you this once-in-a-lifetime free membership opportunity! It's like our lifeguards are always saying:
"Send More Swimmers!"

That's how much we love swimmers around here! A world of aquatic fun awaits you right through these doors. And as advertised, membership is 100% Free! Don't worry about the paperwork. We'll handle all that later. I'll bet you're eager to get swimming right now!

Preaching To a Very Tiny Choir

I realize I've sort of restarted blog postings here largely in the service of blatant partisan propagandizing. Not very creative I realize but I find I actually care about this stuff right now. Anyway, here's a little viral video about everybody's straight-talker. If that sounds like something you'd enjoy, you'll find it after the jump:

Great Moments In Maverick Cinema

"[it] will be brief."
Prediction on the Iraq War February, 2003, on FOX’s “Hannity & Colmes.”

“I have no qualms about our strategic plans. I thought we were very successful in Afghanistan.”
Hartford Courant, 3/5/03.

“But I believe, Katie, that the Iraqi people will greet us as liberators.”
NBC, 3/20/03, the day of the invasion.

“It’s clear that the end is very much in sight.”
ABC, 4/9/03.

"There’s not a history of clashes that are violent between Sunnis and Shiahs. So I think they can probably get along.”
MSNBC, 4/23/03.

"This is a mission accomplished."
This Week, ABC, 12/14/03.

“I do think that progress is being made in a lot of Iraq. Overall, I think a year from now, we will have made a fair amount of progress if we stay the course. If I thought we weren’t making progress, I’d be despondent.”
The Hill, 12/8/05.

"Maybe 100. Make it one hundred."
Response to audience question about how many years U.S. troops will remain in Iraq, town hall meeting New Hampshire January 2008.

"It's a tough war we're in. It's not going to be over right away. There's going to be other wars."
Town hall meeting at West Palm Beach, Florida, January 24, 2008.

"I'm sorry to tell you, there's going to be other wars. We will never surrender but there will be other wars."
ibid.

"Foremost in all our minds is the threat posed by the regime in Tehran"
June 2008 speech to AIPAC

That Frontier Maverick Spirit

I believe the Waco Kid said it best, when he said:
"What did you expect? 'Welcome, sonny'? 'Make yourself at home'? 'Marry my daughter'? You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons."

---Blazing Saddles

"I believe in the right to bear shotguns, the right to shotgun bears, and the right to shotgun weddings."

Proof that abstinence education and the sanctity of marriage go hand in hand.